Tuesday, August 18, 2015

The Somewhat Scientifically Derived Neediness Scale

After Googling twice without finding a single peer-reviewed study of that quintessential characteristic of awkward one-way relationship dependency, I hereby present (in officially blog-published form) my treatise overview on subjective neediness, applicable to both platonic and romantic scenarios.

With satirical empathy fully engaged, five discreet neediness levels are presented to permit you to assess others and yourself and to enable all parties involved to implement compassionate neediness corrective measures.

Neediness Level 1: Sticky Skin Intensity:  an organic, sweat-and-oil surface cling-grip between two individuals.  Often exhibited after initial coital episodes, this state has the benefit of creating a mild bond of reliability and trustworthiness between two people, if only because you now share the same bacterial microbiome.  Shower with warm water briefly to end this low-level physical connection, when unwanted.

Neediness Level 2: Limp Band-aid Intensity:  a low-cost, efficiently-engineered adhesive connection between two humans.   This bond tends to lend genuine support with friendliness without requiring any real commitment.  Adhesion tends to immediately release with minimal damage when exposed to extended dampness, especially when sentimental tears or ocean-raft survival are involved.

Neediness Level 3: Velcro Intensity: The classic hook-and-pile clingy interest state in which another's unwanted personal attention sticks to you feverishly and at the most inconvenient times.  Makes a satisfying, and sometimes addicting, Vrrrrrrrp! sound when said partner is effectively stripped away from a less-than-desired situation.

(Note: the Dryer Sheet sub-variety of Velcro neediness is extra sneaky, often occurring when undesired romantic interest masquerades as menial task assistance in order to confuse the target)

So Tacky!
Neediness Level 4: Duct Tape Intensity:  This in-and-around-your-face, wrist and ankle strapped union of two human beings can feel exciting for the first 90 seconds.  At least, until you realize the other person has 50 Shades of Grey boringness in mind for your eternal bondage. Removal of other person from your being can be straight-forward but may cause arm-hair-excruciating pain.

Neediness Level 5: Epoxy Weld Intensity: Dependency at its most dangerous, frequently so intense it transforms into codependency. Mental, physical and spiritual connection are sufficient to initiate resilient communication, mutual resolution-forging towards genuine acceptance and understanding.  May result in permanent cohabitation, life-long friendship or marital bond.  Separation may only be feasible post-mortem.


  1. Upon reflection this satirical post has a vein of meanness in it, at odds with a Goodness First philosophy. As the post indicates, reflection and adjustment was core to my intent. My attempt at Monty Pythonesque humor was not meant to be mean-spirited, in fact levels 1-4 were derived from my own perceived neediness levels and a desire to laugh at myself. If you didnt like the post catapult a cow in my general direction.

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